Lost in France

Later 2010

It may be a week late, but hey, I was busy in Europe crossing things off my bucket list. Just wanted to highlight some things of my 2010 for my own personal reasons. I know that 2010 was quite wonderful, but as humans we see another year ahead to always hope for the better. If there's one word to describe my 2010, or year of being 23 years-old it's...variety.



A little bit of everything for me in 2010: Family struggles, triumph, love, disgust, travel, friends, ex-friends, whatever you call doing something you promised your morals you wouldn't do but did anyways (oh i guess that words self disappointment), distance, getting "laid-off" for the first time, realizing people don't change whether its small or big and why should we make anyone change, and just trying to be a better person. Soooo this year I....

• Went to Paris and Barcelona right before 2011 for 16 days. I will be seeing you again Europe.
• Didn't surround myself with people who are human trash in the soul.
• Had the best 4th of July yet.
• Struggled seeing a nameless person struggle with their life and feeling helpless about it.
• Saw Kaskade, Miike Snow, Sublime with Rome, Empire of the Sun, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, plus every other band that I missed or saw at Coachella.
• Did it in a limo one too many times.
• Felt out of my comfort zone and liked it.
• Hiked a total of 17 miles up and down to the half-dome in Yosemite
• Went white water rafting for the first time.
• Blew lots of bubbles
• Mind altering
• got sea sick for the first time, and simultaneously with my best friend.
• Sea world for Mothers day.
• Wild Palm Desert Girls Get away
• Turn around trip to Vegas
• The list goes on....those just came up to mind first.

Hello 2011!!!!

Train Rides and Dumpster Dives

I would like to thank my 6th grade teacher Mrs. Palucki and my 9th grade sexy ass teacher Mr. Moeller for doing a writing exercise in class that has forever changed my writing style. We were told to open our notebook grab a pen, and just throw up all over our papers with words. We weren't allowed to stop writing for 10 minutes straight. Whatever came to our mind and if nothing came to our mind we would have to write that as well as long as the writing was non-stop.

With my 24th birthday  approaching this year, I feel as if that's the only way I know how to write. It's the throw-up style. I always have so much to say on paper, but have the hardest time expressing it to others from my point of view without sounding like a complete retard. Maybe I have too many topics I wanna discuss or maybe I just don't like to finish my thoughts because when you write and don't think the truth is bound to be found somewhere. Maybe I like to keep wondering because If I figured the answers out, then what would I have to think or write about.

Who knows. Maybe I'm subconsciously terrified of being a boring person and like to complicate even my own thought process.

Bonjour!

Been awake for the past 21 hours and on the non-stop go the past...week, month, year, life...BUT I'm on my way to LAX to New York, to Paris!! "sosososossooooo esssisted." There's luggage on my floor that's telling me all of the clothing and scarfs/hats/gloves/toiletries are definitely not going to all fit in there.

My mind has been acting like a hummingbird on crack lately. Can't focus for more than .1 seconds because I feel as if there's so much to do. Why don't I just do it and pack? Because even if I did, then I would lay on my bed and go through my head what did I forget. It's just like that.

Can't friggin wait to explore this world outside of the U.S. and across the Atlantic!! I've been told numerous times to "watch for the gypsies" and that "it's extremely expensive." Guess well find out for myself! Back to this luggage dilemma. Happy Christmas and Merry New Year.

Don't Judge Me

Don't know why but I've been thinking about highschool a lot. Maybe because it's my "roots" maybe because it was a comfort zone, or maybe because I wonder where everyone else is at this point in their life. Either way, I've  been thinking..I've had some pretty amazing people shape or help me shape the person that I am today. It's weird how I don't talk to these people anymore, but how they've definately impacted my life. The asshole who was just an asshole because he's super insecure, the gorgeous girl who everyone wanted, the best guy friend who listened to the best music, the ex-boyfriend who made me realize young love is the best love, the dumb bitch who I was mean to because everyone else was, the girl who didn't give a fuck, the guy who still hasnt changed and won't thank god. Ignorance is bliss.

Hello December.

It's the first day of December and I couldn't feel more excited about what's ahead. The end of the semester is less than 3 weeks away, my Dad just bought a house (so happy and proud of him), I just got an amazing internship that I can't wait to start, and I'm going to Paris/Austria/Germany in 15 days!!!! I almost feel as though such big things are happening at the end of 2010 I'm apprehensive about something bad happening. I'm so excite for the new paths of life I'll be experiencing and so grateful for the people around me who have helped make them possible.

Sometimes

We're not supposed to always get what we want in life was told to me by my parents at a very young age. Sometimes we shouldn't get the job without going through difficulties. Sometimes like right now, it feels good to listen to depressing music and be a complete lazy ass while not getting anything productive done even though the list is growing. Sometimes it's good to get lost because you end up at your destination sooner or later and might have found a pretty road. Sometimes it's good to be in awkward situations. Last week my girlfriends and I were at a friends house and this guy who I had no romantic interest in asked if he could kiss me. I said no and things just got pretty awkward the rest of the night. Maybe i thought it was cute for a guy to ask to kiss a girl in the movies when i was 13 years-old. But I'm in my twenties and that's just not cute. Sometimes knowing that you text your girlfriends the most pointless or inappropriate text messages constantly throughout the day is comforting in a weird way. I love my girlfriends more than anything and am so grateful to have such loyal/funny/beautiful/understanding/always there for me people. I used to have more guy friends than girls growing up, but that's def. changed. Sometimes I like getting a bad haircut because it humbles me as a person. yup. totally makes me a little bit more insecure as a person and makes me wanna put a bag on my head for the next two weeks. And sometimes you just need to hear that your loved by someone that you care about. Because that's what gets you through tougher times and warms the soul. Pure honest love no matter what the circumstances are. Sometimes it's just nice to find 10 bucks in a jacket from last winter. Sometimes I like to go out of my way and talk to people for no reason, because most of the time when people talk to other people randomly it's because they want something. So apet peeve although of course I'm guilty of it sometimes. Sometimes I over analyze my decisions in life, but guess I wouldn't be the person I was if a single moment changed in the past.

Today I...

• Had a meeting to see if I would be interested in doing an entrepanuer (can't spell that) thing during the summer. Decided it def. wasn't for me, but couldn't decide if the dude who was telling me about it had a wedding ring on or it was just a ring. But wow he was gorrrgeeeeous
• Saw my cousin at  school for the first time EVER. We'll both be in Germany at the same time, hope I see her :)
• Talked to my ex boyfriend this morning, found out some devasting news about his family :(
• Failed my sociology test probably
• Added this guy on facebook and wrote him a message pretending I thought I met him last weekend, just to start conversation and cuz i liked his style. He fell for it.
• Burned 900+ calories at the gym
• Found my party and stoked tomorrow's Thursday.

Wrong Choices on purpose?

I realize when I'm making bad decisions that I'll regret later, but when am I going to realize nothing good comes from them? Do people like making "bad" decisions or give into temptaion because it's more fun than being bored. I guess that's my problem. I guess I like to choose  guys who aren't available or who I would never see a future with because it's "safe" from any emotional attachment. Because with emotional attachment comes hopes and when hopes are let down comes dissapointment. I must have a fear of rejection or just a huge wall up because oh my goodness maybe there actually is decent guys out there. This is nothing new for me, but the older I get the realize I need to man the fuck up and grow up and actually put myself out there to give these dudes a chance. Just because they have horrible fashion sense, doesn't mean they don't have goals in life. Just because he's short doesn't mean hes not funny. Just because he's shy at first doesn't mean he's a failure at life. I always manage to find something wrong with any "potential" dude. And let me tell you, it's starting to eat at me. I'm gonna be single for life if I continue this. Yikes.

11-3-10

    Talked to a counselor today at school. TWO more freaking classes till I graudate. It's so close I can taste it, but also feels sooooo far away. I need to find an internship so I have one ready when I get back from Paris and can actually enjoy my trip.
   Lil Wayne gets out of prison tonight. do you know how excited I am? It's like friggin Summer in the begenning of November. I miss my little sister so much lately. A lot to do tomorrow as usual. Goodnight.

You have a collect call from, "I Love You Candace."

ummm.

"You're a funny chick, you should write more." Ok i will. Not because you said to, but because I'm that bored and these hands are getting idle. You can only masterbate so many times in one day before you start to get bored. That and I was scared I was gonna break my vagina. I should be driving to San Diego for a girlfriends birthday, but I'm the type of person who needs to be reassured that I'm wanted in the first place. That never happend so I'm not gonna drive myself to San Diego solo.
     I've thought for probably the first time ever today about how I wish looks didnt matter. Had an amazing "connection" with this guy from London last night. But...totally short and unattractive. His parents owned Topshop and we shared our life stories. His friends were amazingly gorgeous, but...I guess I'm just shallow and can't get passed the short.
    Ok this whole not working on the weekend thing is totally confusing me. I haven't been this bored all day in forever. Could go workout but I just took a shower. No desire to get out of this horizontal position. ummmmm. brain dead. over and out.

out of my comfort-zone

It's a strange condition. Got fired or "laid off" for the first time ever. It was definatley a bitter sweet feeling. I was actually walking into work that day with a weird feeling, like I'm so happy I have this job, but I treat i've always treated it like shit because I have a hate-love relationship with it. My whole relationship with that job was always to put minimal effort into it. For some reason I liked playing with fire by calling in sick, not coming in, not making draw, and just doing what I wanted. I knew I would potentially get fired if I kept it up, but I liked the idea because then it would kick my butt into an unknown what do I do next feeling..It would put me out of my comfort zone.
    So here I am now, completly out of my comfort zone hahahaha. I keep thinking that I just have the weekend off because I requested it off since I thought I would be in Vegas, but luckily that fell through. It's just a shitty feeling knowing I don't have a full paycheck coming soon! I still have my job at the dental office, but that's such minimal hours it will pay for my gas and credit card if anything. FML.
   So now I don't really have a choice but to start looking for jobs. I went on one interview already, but it's a totally out of my "comfort" zone I know nothing about job. Working with autistic children. I mean, I love children, but honestly don't know anything about that. Luckily I'm open to the idea and the rewards and pay may be worth it. Well see...When one door slams shut, another one is bound to open. My only concern is getting my ass to Paris in December.

Be Mine

Obsessed with you Trouve Sabrina Boots. So glad you decided to make more since they sold out instantly at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale in July.

Matter of Choice

    The other day my grandma made a comment at dinner about how she hates having to make so many decisions. "From the minute I open my eyes, I think should I get out of bed or should I go back to sleep. And then after that its more decisions throughout the day." I know she stated this because she couldnt decide what to order on the menu, but it made me think.
    Every single day we're given opportunities, options, faced to make a decision, and so forth. How do we go about our thought process when faced with too many options? Sometimes having too many options is overwhelming and more stressful than having no options!
   Every single action we do, creates an outcome or response. With whatever choices our life gives us, we are only responsible for the outcome. Even the people you choose to surround yourself with reflects what type of life and choices you will have to make.
     You can only play the game well if you decide to practice. You can only sell as much as the effort that you choose to put into it. You can only settle for less if that's what you want to do. The choice is ultimately up to you though.

pretty tunes

Where are you fall?

     Music in my ear, my comfy clothes on my body, oreos in my belly, and nothing too negative on my mind. Today was the first day of my fall semester, as well as my last first day of fall semester! I realize that the other day and thought holy hell, I'm going to be an adult and never technically have a "summer." Next year summer will just be a season and i'll have to deal with the day to day work of a normal job! (hopefully).
      There's no such thing as a mellow summer for me, but I would consider this one to be more on the mellow side. I feel as though I worked too much to party too hard. Good thing!! My favorite part was probably river rafting in Coloma up north and then hiking 17 miles straight up the Yosemtime Half Dome and straight back. boyyyy my body hated me after that! Got to see Miike Snow, Empire of the Sun, Mickey Avalon, Fabbbbbulous randomly in vegas, and I feel as if I'm missing somebody but oh well. Had the most amazing best day of my life ever, the 4th of July with some girls ending up waking up on a boat in the middle of the harbor.
     The only thing that was missing from my summer was lots of boys, but that's okay I felt as though I was allergic and disguisted by anything with a penis and I'm still at that state. I did make myself a new rule which could have something to do with that. It's only make-outable if its an 8.5 or above. I wont settle for less! I scored the only guy who've I considered a 10 in the last year so I guess that makes up for the lack of boys all summer. Maybe it's just a calm before the storm or letting me focus on my fitness.
    Only went to vegas once this summer...and I made sure to go after I paid off my, "I partied too hard in vegas" trip. Didn't get to go to the river :( but ohhh well! I can't really sum up my summer in one word except for the word frozen for some reason. Would explain that word, but don't really feel like wasting words or anymore space on things that should of been in the past a long time ago.
    Im excited for fall to come to wear boots and scarfs. Although its gonna be 100 degrees for another few weeks im stoked to be in school once again. Hell there's definately some "potentials!!" Miss Universe is on and these bitches make me wanna be gay.
    

Happy Anniversary to me, in a way.

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my blog! I love the first year marks of something. It helps me reflect on where I've been and where I'm on my way to. Whoever said blogging gets you nowhere was seriously wrong. I write for many different reasons. If I didn't write half the stuff I have, I wouldn't remember half of it! Writing makes me feel like I'm not just floating through life because I can go back and remember how I felt at that point in my life. Blogging has given me the opportunity to connect with other people around the world. I've interviewed several fellow bloggers and gained some insight and knowledge that will help my future and has helped me with my school work as well. Hey, last month blogging gave me FREE tickets to a Miike Snow concert that I wanted to attend really bad in the first place! Happy blogging, writing, memories, and cheers!

Where is heeeeee?

     Just another typical day working at Nordstrom in the children's department today, or not. Lately no day is typical and I am A-Okay with that. I'm helping my customer pick out a couple of outfits for her 10 year-old granddaughter. We start chit-chatting and end up on the subject how she's heartbroken because she only has 4 boys and will never get to be the mother of the bride. Other co-workers and kind elder customers chime in with their 2 cents and  positive comments.
     As I'm wrapping the lucky 10 year-old birthday gift, my customer quickly and clearly states that she still has one UN-married 28-year old son. Then looks me straight in the eye and ask, "So are you married?" I thought she was just trying to be funny or make conversation, but she clearly was being serious! She ask if she can take a picture of me to send to her 28 year-old obviously single son! I was caught so off guard, of course I said yes.
    She made a comment about how she has one more chance to try and get a daughter-in-law that she can feel like she bonds with, and then she sent the text to her last UN-married son. With the little tiny hope in my head thinking OMG that could be the future love of my life!... And then the bigger voice in my head saying, "Candace get real, he's probably super boring and a complete douche-bag."

    I didn't realize until today that being single in your 20's feels like every day is a time bomb to meet that mate. Lately every day feels like I'm a contestant on the bachelorette. I found out his name later in the conversation and did my very best to try not to google him. Who knows, what if he is my future husband! Now that would be a cute story to tell our grandchildren.

    As much as I try not to worry or convince myself that I'm not worried about being single forever, boys are always on the brain. Like really, where is heeeee? What is he doing right now? Why can't I have him yet? How many more people do I have to kiss before I never kiss another man again? Being 23 years-old and single means being in my prime time, doing what I want and when I want. My boobs are never going to be as perky as they are today (without surgery) my skin is never going to look younger than tomorrow, and my metabolism sure as hell isn't speeding up.

   I'll still convince myself that my Mr. Right is somewhere waiting for me at the perfect moment. After all, life is just made up of moments. I'm 23 years-old, have a good sense of who I am, what I want, and what I need. I'm gonna shove those "Where is heeeee" thoughts far back in the brain and enjoy my single summer.

    

RaaaaaaaaNT

Okay so last night  I was at blue beet having fun with some girl friends, maybe doing some minor stalking on a potential who's now not a potential, and of course taking pictures. I ask this guy to take a couple pictures of Elise and I..he takes a few then I asked for my camera back. He said, "What are you talking about this is my camera." to make a really long pointless story short, he tried to steal my camera and ended up just taking my memory card. Like, really? who wants to steal memories!!! so freaking rude. I was in a complete furious temper rage, but was actually completely calm because I guess when im the most upset I am extremely calm and quiet. It's weird how calm I was..this guy who saw the camera snatcher knew he was completely delusional and amazed how calm I was. I swear, I feel like I was put here to be tested with patience. So, I upgraded my dingy 2GB and got a 4GB. Time to start fresh and make some more memories.. :(

Let the beat control you

Sometimes when you go with the flow of life, things work out pretty well and fall into place. There will always be things you cannot control, but go with the beat because that's where you probably should be. Had a sexy summer night Friday, and Saturday pretty much was mobilized to waste a beautiful day. It's almost that time of the year where my FAVORITE holiday is here. Hello 4th of July!

Bubbles

Why is chasing something that floats into space and burst in seconds so entertaining? As kids were taught certain rules in life…

1. Don’t talk to strangers


2. The golden rule-Be treated how you want to be treated


3. Always look both ways before crossing the street.


4. And that if you eat your dinner, you’ll be rewarded with dessert.


But when were an adult….


1. Talking to strangers at the bars is the only thing we end up doing. Who are these people and what is wrong with 89% of them.


2. Let’s face it, nobody today is so genuinely nice. There’s a motive behind everyone’s action just to get what they want.


3. Drunks never look both ways before crossing the street. Have you ever sat on Huntington Beach Main street and watched people flail into the street?


4. Rewarding ourselves gives us motivation to do something good. Hello a hard week at work Monday - Friday means I can get wasted all weekend!!


The younger we are, the more older we want to become. When your young being an adult seems like the most amazing thing ever because nobody can tell you what to do or when to go to bed.


It’s the end of the world being a child and only having to worry about what’s on the lunch menu at school the next day. Fuck, I hope it’s chalupa day again! Actually I was one of those kids who only ate the cafeteria food like twice from K-8th grade. My Mom always let me pack my own lunch and my peers were clearly jealous that I had a bag of brown sugar and chocolate pudding compared to the typical PB&J. No wonder I still enjoy syrup, fun dips, and Capri-suns. Maybe I’ll quite the sugar thing when I have diabetes.


Back to the bubble subject, I feel like parents are missing out on one major life lesson that would benefit today’s society. To stop chasing the things in life that don’t last long. Like bubbles! They’re so pretty, fascinating, and amazing that you can blow into a magic want and create things that pop. But really kids this is a lesson in life you don’t want to pursue. The quick fix will not last long and create a longer road to success than before.


Don’t chase something that isn’t going to last long. Effort, time, and patience isn’t as entertaining as pretty bubbles, but it’s actually beautiful in the long end.

Throwing that slimy wet fish back in the ocean

    Come here little fishy, your going to be thrown away into the Atlantic far away as possible from me. Be careful of where you choose to swim because I would never want you to drown.
    The past week has been anything but ordinary and I don't even know where to separate my thoughts from what is real and what's gonna happen tomorrow. How come we meet certain people in our life at certain times for a specific reason? Everything has just gone in one huge fucked up circle, zig zag, love triangle, heartache, manipulated minds, and anything else possible.
    I feel like I've been dealt with these cards as a test, and failed because I knew what I was getting into and knew that I needed to get out. I feel like now I'm suffering emotionally because I failed one too many "tests." It really does hurt right now, but I know that if I keep my head high, continue to be the person I am, don't try to "get back" at anyone, and have the good heart I was given, then I know I'm capable of anything and something amazing is around the corner for me.
     One day I'll look back and laugh at my stupid decisions because I know that I'm going to be successful in whatever I choose to pursue. I know that those people who have intentionally hurt me will get their karma. I already know I have loyal friends and family and a good head on my shoulders. I've made plenty of bad choices, but I actually have learned from most, unlike others who continue to make the same mistakes making that a habit.
    Life's too short to be mad, and to tell you the truth I'm actually relieved by it. When I think back to the day I kissed you and knew I was in for a ride I didn't know that this is where I was going to end up. It's been a long, stressful, learning, exhausting, un-trusting ride. But hey, on to the next one! Except this time I'm not gonna pretend those red flags are hitting me in the face.

Lost in my head

   I can't stop thinking and I am so sick of the thoughts going through my head. Debating going out tonight with friends since it's Memorial day tomorrow, and also debating chugging some NyQuil to turn off the thoughts and not be hung over tomorrow morning.
  I feel like I need to do something in my life, something new. Change is hard  whether we want the change or not, it's just a hell of a lot easier to not change. I don't know why I think that one day I'm going to figure out my dream job with out making steps toward that goal. I don't know why I continue to stay in my on again-off again relationship, well I do know why, but still nothing is changing and I feel like a hamster in a running wheel.
   That bottle of NyQuil just screamed my name from the bathroom. I know that life's not perfect and always supposed to feel like Disneyland rides and perfect plump strawberries, but what the hell. Totally lost my train of hardly thoughts or rambles. My girlfriend came over and borrowed some boots when I came face to face with my beloved nasty tasting NyQuil. Things are gonna get weird in about 15 minutes...
   Speaking of weird, last night I went to my cousin's graduation party with my dad and he asked if I wanted to go to another party with him. It was for his girlfriends younger sister, who graduated from CSUF and its a few years older than myself. I figured, sure...why not, I had been day drinking all day and had no prior plans for the Saturday evening? He said, "You'll probably know people there." I thought okay ya right Dad, I'm not going to know anyone..anyways! Let's just say it's always a small world....Saw some pretty familiar faces and it just made me start thinking about what my Mom has always taught me growing up.
   "Candace, be nice to everyone because you never know when you'll run into them later in life." I used to think okay, ya whatever Mom. She was definitely right about that. I'm not even half here mentally writing this. Goodnight. Looking forward to getting some Sun and working out in the morning...