Pressure

Starting to feel the pressure of being an adult. Of passing my classes this semester and graduating to receive my BA diploma. It's like now what?-I feel as if I've been working my whole life towards this. I'm starting to plan my graduation party and just keep thinking "then what?" Everyone at my graduation party is gonna be asking me-So...what do you want to do/ What are you gonna do? Pretty sure I'm gonna do what I've always wanted to do and just travel the world. I have to, I want to, It's actually the only thing I want to do-Perfect, I've found my answer from my own jotted down thoughts. Pressure to graduate, Pressure to figure out what I'm gonna make and do In this life time. The choice is mine and I feel as if I have the world at my finger tips. I'm grateful, ecstatic, scared, excited, nervous, but just because I won't be in school doesn't mean I want to ever stop learning.

Moved

It's been a full week since I've been moved in with my Dad and Brother. So far so good. My only "complaint" is that occasionally it smells like a bong factory, but oh well! This is my 3rd time moving and I've come to realize that the process of moving emotionally eats me up a little. It was sad for me to move out of my grandparents house knowing that they aren't gonna be on this earth forever and how much love I have for both of them. My grandmas TV antics are one of the most bizarre things would be an understatement to any psychologist, but oh well we all have our habits. My grandpa at his ripe old age who still keeps the house and yard up every single day and has maybe complained about something in life once or twice. Then there's the physical hardship of moving like packing my cluster fuck of a room. I did get rid of 4 trash bags of clothes! Go me! me and my obsession with possessions is so weird. Then there's the part where you find old pictures stuffed deep in your drawrs because they were memories I wanted to shove far away from sight. But like anything and everything you must be faced with the feelings or memories and are forced to either throw away the pictures or put them in a box that won't be looked at for years. Of course there's the positive part of moving because it's like a clean start in a way! My new organized closet, new pictures on my wall, a new scent of laundry, and a new bigger and better shower! The only constant is change, and I'm thankful I have the comfort at my new house.

Coachella 2011

 

     OK, bought my girlfriend and I our 3 day pass as well as camping pass! And thank goodness for that, I guess they already sold out and are selling on eBay for over $500 dollars when I only paid 85 bucks for mine. Cannot believe they sold out already. Cannot believe I wasn't smart enough to invest in buying an extra one in selling it. So I got smart and bought another 3 day pass when I heard that news. Hopefully I'll be making a 300% increase :). But if not I'm sure a friend will be looking for one around that time.
     My most favorite thing about Coachella, is how I constantly think about my wardrobe for the whole weekend. It's the most perfect time to go shopping for Spring fashion because right around Feb/March is when bathing suits are coming out, sandals are fresh on the racks, and I just absolutely love getting away from the winter weather wardrobe by that time.
     I'm beyond excited and it's pretty much the only big event I have that's close enough to look forward to. Two years ago I did the camping thing with the girlfriends, last year I stayed at at mansion on the golf course with a boyfriend, and this year I'm thinking I'll set home base to camping but flutter around like a carefree hippy. Get here already Coachella!

 





  

Candyass

ass.

Lost in France

Later 2010

It may be a week late, but hey, I was busy in Europe crossing things off my bucket list. Just wanted to highlight some things of my 2010 for my own personal reasons. I know that 2010 was quite wonderful, but as humans we see another year ahead to always hope for the better. If there's one word to describe my 2010, or year of being 23 years-old it's...variety.



A little bit of everything for me in 2010: Family struggles, triumph, love, disgust, travel, friends, ex-friends, whatever you call doing something you promised your morals you wouldn't do but did anyways (oh i guess that words self disappointment), distance, getting "laid-off" for the first time, realizing people don't change whether its small or big and why should we make anyone change, and just trying to be a better person. Soooo this year I....

• Went to Paris and Barcelona right before 2011 for 16 days. I will be seeing you again Europe.
• Didn't surround myself with people who are human trash in the soul.
• Had the best 4th of July yet.
• Struggled seeing a nameless person struggle with their life and feeling helpless about it.
• Saw Kaskade, Miike Snow, Sublime with Rome, Empire of the Sun, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, plus every other band that I missed or saw at Coachella.
• Did it in a limo one too many times.
• Felt out of my comfort zone and liked it.
• Hiked a total of 17 miles up and down to the half-dome in Yosemite
• Went white water rafting for the first time.
• Blew lots of bubbles
• Mind altering
• got sea sick for the first time, and simultaneously with my best friend.
• Sea world for Mothers day.
• Wild Palm Desert Girls Get away
• Turn around trip to Vegas
• The list goes on....those just came up to mind first.

Hello 2011!!!!

Train Rides and Dumpster Dives

I would like to thank my 6th grade teacher Mrs. Palucki and my 9th grade sexy ass teacher Mr. Moeller for doing a writing exercise in class that has forever changed my writing style. We were told to open our notebook grab a pen, and just throw up all over our papers with words. We weren't allowed to stop writing for 10 minutes straight. Whatever came to our mind and if nothing came to our mind we would have to write that as well as long as the writing was non-stop.

With my 24th birthday  approaching this year, I feel as if that's the only way I know how to write. It's the throw-up style. I always have so much to say on paper, but have the hardest time expressing it to others from my point of view without sounding like a complete retard. Maybe I have too many topics I wanna discuss or maybe I just don't like to finish my thoughts because when you write and don't think the truth is bound to be found somewhere. Maybe I like to keep wondering because If I figured the answers out, then what would I have to think or write about.

Who knows. Maybe I'm subconsciously terrified of being a boring person and like to complicate even my own thought process.

Bonjour!

Been awake for the past 21 hours and on the non-stop go the past...week, month, year, life...BUT I'm on my way to LAX to New York, to Paris!! "sosososossooooo esssisted." There's luggage on my floor that's telling me all of the clothing and scarfs/hats/gloves/toiletries are definitely not going to all fit in there.

My mind has been acting like a hummingbird on crack lately. Can't focus for more than .1 seconds because I feel as if there's so much to do. Why don't I just do it and pack? Because even if I did, then I would lay on my bed and go through my head what did I forget. It's just like that.

Can't friggin wait to explore this world outside of the U.S. and across the Atlantic!! I've been told numerous times to "watch for the gypsies" and that "it's extremely expensive." Guess well find out for myself! Back to this luggage dilemma. Happy Christmas and Merry New Year.

Don't Judge Me

Don't know why but I've been thinking about highschool a lot. Maybe because it's my "roots" maybe because it was a comfort zone, or maybe because I wonder where everyone else is at this point in their life. Either way, I've  been thinking..I've had some pretty amazing people shape or help me shape the person that I am today. It's weird how I don't talk to these people anymore, but how they've definately impacted my life. The asshole who was just an asshole because he's super insecure, the gorgeous girl who everyone wanted, the best guy friend who listened to the best music, the ex-boyfriend who made me realize young love is the best love, the dumb bitch who I was mean to because everyone else was, the girl who didn't give a fuck, the guy who still hasnt changed and won't thank god. Ignorance is bliss.

Hello December.

It's the first day of December and I couldn't feel more excited about what's ahead. The end of the semester is less than 3 weeks away, my Dad just bought a house (so happy and proud of him), I just got an amazing internship that I can't wait to start, and I'm going to Paris/Austria/Germany in 15 days!!!! I almost feel as though such big things are happening at the end of 2010 I'm apprehensive about something bad happening. I'm so excite for the new paths of life I'll be experiencing and so grateful for the people around me who have helped make them possible.

Sometimes

We're not supposed to always get what we want in life was told to me by my parents at a very young age. Sometimes we shouldn't get the job without going through difficulties. Sometimes like right now, it feels good to listen to depressing music and be a complete lazy ass while not getting anything productive done even though the list is growing. Sometimes it's good to get lost because you end up at your destination sooner or later and might have found a pretty road. Sometimes it's good to be in awkward situations. Last week my girlfriends and I were at a friends house and this guy who I had no romantic interest in asked if he could kiss me. I said no and things just got pretty awkward the rest of the night. Maybe i thought it was cute for a guy to ask to kiss a girl in the movies when i was 13 years-old. But I'm in my twenties and that's just not cute. Sometimes knowing that you text your girlfriends the most pointless or inappropriate text messages constantly throughout the day is comforting in a weird way. I love my girlfriends more than anything and am so grateful to have such loyal/funny/beautiful/understanding/always there for me people. I used to have more guy friends than girls growing up, but that's def. changed. Sometimes I like getting a bad haircut because it humbles me as a person. yup. totally makes me a little bit more insecure as a person and makes me wanna put a bag on my head for the next two weeks. And sometimes you just need to hear that your loved by someone that you care about. Because that's what gets you through tougher times and warms the soul. Pure honest love no matter what the circumstances are. Sometimes it's just nice to find 10 bucks in a jacket from last winter. Sometimes I like to go out of my way and talk to people for no reason, because most of the time when people talk to other people randomly it's because they want something. So apet peeve although of course I'm guilty of it sometimes. Sometimes I over analyze my decisions in life, but guess I wouldn't be the person I was if a single moment changed in the past.

Today I...

• Had a meeting to see if I would be interested in doing an entrepanuer (can't spell that) thing during the summer. Decided it def. wasn't for me, but couldn't decide if the dude who was telling me about it had a wedding ring on or it was just a ring. But wow he was gorrrgeeeeous
• Saw my cousin at  school for the first time EVER. We'll both be in Germany at the same time, hope I see her :)
• Talked to my ex boyfriend this morning, found out some devasting news about his family :(
• Failed my sociology test probably
• Added this guy on facebook and wrote him a message pretending I thought I met him last weekend, just to start conversation and cuz i liked his style. He fell for it.
• Burned 900+ calories at the gym
• Found my party and stoked tomorrow's Thursday.

Wrong Choices on purpose?

I realize when I'm making bad decisions that I'll regret later, but when am I going to realize nothing good comes from them? Do people like making "bad" decisions or give into temptaion because it's more fun than being bored. I guess that's my problem. I guess I like to choose  guys who aren't available or who I would never see a future with because it's "safe" from any emotional attachment. Because with emotional attachment comes hopes and when hopes are let down comes dissapointment. I must have a fear of rejection or just a huge wall up because oh my goodness maybe there actually is decent guys out there. This is nothing new for me, but the older I get the realize I need to man the fuck up and grow up and actually put myself out there to give these dudes a chance. Just because they have horrible fashion sense, doesn't mean they don't have goals in life. Just because he's short doesn't mean hes not funny. Just because he's shy at first doesn't mean he's a failure at life. I always manage to find something wrong with any "potential" dude. And let me tell you, it's starting to eat at me. I'm gonna be single for life if I continue this. Yikes.

11-3-10

    Talked to a counselor today at school. TWO more freaking classes till I graudate. It's so close I can taste it, but also feels sooooo far away. I need to find an internship so I have one ready when I get back from Paris and can actually enjoy my trip.
   Lil Wayne gets out of prison tonight. do you know how excited I am? It's like friggin Summer in the begenning of November. I miss my little sister so much lately. A lot to do tomorrow as usual. Goodnight.

You have a collect call from, "I Love You Candace."

ummm.

"You're a funny chick, you should write more." Ok i will. Not because you said to, but because I'm that bored and these hands are getting idle. You can only masterbate so many times in one day before you start to get bored. That and I was scared I was gonna break my vagina. I should be driving to San Diego for a girlfriends birthday, but I'm the type of person who needs to be reassured that I'm wanted in the first place. That never happend so I'm not gonna drive myself to San Diego solo.
     I've thought for probably the first time ever today about how I wish looks didnt matter. Had an amazing "connection" with this guy from London last night. But...totally short and unattractive. His parents owned Topshop and we shared our life stories. His friends were amazingly gorgeous, but...I guess I'm just shallow and can't get passed the short.
    Ok this whole not working on the weekend thing is totally confusing me. I haven't been this bored all day in forever. Could go workout but I just took a shower. No desire to get out of this horizontal position. ummmmm. brain dead. over and out.

out of my comfort-zone

It's a strange condition. Got fired or "laid off" for the first time ever. It was definatley a bitter sweet feeling. I was actually walking into work that day with a weird feeling, like I'm so happy I have this job, but I treat i've always treated it like shit because I have a hate-love relationship with it. My whole relationship with that job was always to put minimal effort into it. For some reason I liked playing with fire by calling in sick, not coming in, not making draw, and just doing what I wanted. I knew I would potentially get fired if I kept it up, but I liked the idea because then it would kick my butt into an unknown what do I do next feeling..It would put me out of my comfort zone.
    So here I am now, completly out of my comfort zone hahahaha. I keep thinking that I just have the weekend off because I requested it off since I thought I would be in Vegas, but luckily that fell through. It's just a shitty feeling knowing I don't have a full paycheck coming soon! I still have my job at the dental office, but that's such minimal hours it will pay for my gas and credit card if anything. FML.
   So now I don't really have a choice but to start looking for jobs. I went on one interview already, but it's a totally out of my "comfort" zone I know nothing about job. Working with autistic children. I mean, I love children, but honestly don't know anything about that. Luckily I'm open to the idea and the rewards and pay may be worth it. Well see...When one door slams shut, another one is bound to open. My only concern is getting my ass to Paris in December.

Be Mine

Obsessed with you Trouve Sabrina Boots. So glad you decided to make more since they sold out instantly at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale in July.

Matter of Choice

    The other day my grandma made a comment at dinner about how she hates having to make so many decisions. "From the minute I open my eyes, I think should I get out of bed or should I go back to sleep. And then after that its more decisions throughout the day." I know she stated this because she couldnt decide what to order on the menu, but it made me think.
    Every single day we're given opportunities, options, faced to make a decision, and so forth. How do we go about our thought process when faced with too many options? Sometimes having too many options is overwhelming and more stressful than having no options!
   Every single action we do, creates an outcome or response. With whatever choices our life gives us, we are only responsible for the outcome. Even the people you choose to surround yourself with reflects what type of life and choices you will have to make.
     You can only play the game well if you decide to practice. You can only sell as much as the effort that you choose to put into it. You can only settle for less if that's what you want to do. The choice is ultimately up to you though.

pretty tunes

Where are you fall?

     Music in my ear, my comfy clothes on my body, oreos in my belly, and nothing too negative on my mind. Today was the first day of my fall semester, as well as my last first day of fall semester! I realize that the other day and thought holy hell, I'm going to be an adult and never technically have a "summer." Next year summer will just be a season and i'll have to deal with the day to day work of a normal job! (hopefully).
      There's no such thing as a mellow summer for me, but I would consider this one to be more on the mellow side. I feel as though I worked too much to party too hard. Good thing!! My favorite part was probably river rafting in Coloma up north and then hiking 17 miles straight up the Yosemtime Half Dome and straight back. boyyyy my body hated me after that! Got to see Miike Snow, Empire of the Sun, Mickey Avalon, Fabbbbbulous randomly in vegas, and I feel as if I'm missing somebody but oh well. Had the most amazing best day of my life ever, the 4th of July with some girls ending up waking up on a boat in the middle of the harbor.
     The only thing that was missing from my summer was lots of boys, but that's okay I felt as though I was allergic and disguisted by anything with a penis and I'm still at that state. I did make myself a new rule which could have something to do with that. It's only make-outable if its an 8.5 or above. I wont settle for less! I scored the only guy who've I considered a 10 in the last year so I guess that makes up for the lack of boys all summer. Maybe it's just a calm before the storm or letting me focus on my fitness.
    Only went to vegas once this summer...and I made sure to go after I paid off my, "I partied too hard in vegas" trip. Didn't get to go to the river :( but ohhh well! I can't really sum up my summer in one word except for the word frozen for some reason. Would explain that word, but don't really feel like wasting words or anymore space on things that should of been in the past a long time ago.
    Im excited for fall to come to wear boots and scarfs. Although its gonna be 100 degrees for another few weeks im stoked to be in school once again. Hell there's definately some "potentials!!" Miss Universe is on and these bitches make me wanna be gay.
    

Happy Anniversary to me, in a way.

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my blog! I love the first year marks of something. It helps me reflect on where I've been and where I'm on my way to. Whoever said blogging gets you nowhere was seriously wrong. I write for many different reasons. If I didn't write half the stuff I have, I wouldn't remember half of it! Writing makes me feel like I'm not just floating through life because I can go back and remember how I felt at that point in my life. Blogging has given me the opportunity to connect with other people around the world. I've interviewed several fellow bloggers and gained some insight and knowledge that will help my future and has helped me with my school work as well. Hey, last month blogging gave me FREE tickets to a Miike Snow concert that I wanted to attend really bad in the first place! Happy blogging, writing, memories, and cheers!

Where is heeeeee?

     Just another typical day working at Nordstrom in the children's department today, or not. Lately no day is typical and I am A-Okay with that. I'm helping my customer pick out a couple of outfits for her 10 year-old granddaughter. We start chit-chatting and end up on the subject how she's heartbroken because she only has 4 boys and will never get to be the mother of the bride. Other co-workers and kind elder customers chime in with their 2 cents and  positive comments.
     As I'm wrapping the lucky 10 year-old birthday gift, my customer quickly and clearly states that she still has one UN-married 28-year old son. Then looks me straight in the eye and ask, "So are you married?" I thought she was just trying to be funny or make conversation, but she clearly was being serious! She ask if she can take a picture of me to send to her 28 year-old obviously single son! I was caught so off guard, of course I said yes.
    She made a comment about how she has one more chance to try and get a daughter-in-law that she can feel like she bonds with, and then she sent the text to her last UN-married son. With the little tiny hope in my head thinking OMG that could be the future love of my life!... And then the bigger voice in my head saying, "Candace get real, he's probably super boring and a complete douche-bag."

    I didn't realize until today that being single in your 20's feels like every day is a time bomb to meet that mate. Lately every day feels like I'm a contestant on the bachelorette. I found out his name later in the conversation and did my very best to try not to google him. Who knows, what if he is my future husband! Now that would be a cute story to tell our grandchildren.

    As much as I try not to worry or convince myself that I'm not worried about being single forever, boys are always on the brain. Like really, where is heeeee? What is he doing right now? Why can't I have him yet? How many more people do I have to kiss before I never kiss another man again? Being 23 years-old and single means being in my prime time, doing what I want and when I want. My boobs are never going to be as perky as they are today (without surgery) my skin is never going to look younger than tomorrow, and my metabolism sure as hell isn't speeding up.

   I'll still convince myself that my Mr. Right is somewhere waiting for me at the perfect moment. After all, life is just made up of moments. I'm 23 years-old, have a good sense of who I am, what I want, and what I need. I'm gonna shove those "Where is heeeee" thoughts far back in the brain and enjoy my single summer.

    

RaaaaaaaaNT

Okay so last night  I was at blue beet having fun with some girl friends, maybe doing some minor stalking on a potential who's now not a potential, and of course taking pictures. I ask this guy to take a couple pictures of Elise and I..he takes a few then I asked for my camera back. He said, "What are you talking about this is my camera." to make a really long pointless story short, he tried to steal my camera and ended up just taking my memory card. Like, really? who wants to steal memories!!! so freaking rude. I was in a complete furious temper rage, but was actually completely calm because I guess when im the most upset I am extremely calm and quiet. It's weird how calm I was..this guy who saw the camera snatcher knew he was completely delusional and amazed how calm I was. I swear, I feel like I was put here to be tested with patience. So, I upgraded my dingy 2GB and got a 4GB. Time to start fresh and make some more memories.. :(