Leprechaun Ransack

Just wanted to go home and get out of my over-heated hooded Tavik sweatshirt. So why not stop by my house on the way home from lunch with the three kids that I nanny for? Only to walk up to my front door and find it slightly open which seemed a bit strange because nobody else's car was home. I found it even more odd that our 52 inch flat screen TV was just sitting on the floor unplugged as well as cigar cases opened on the couch.


My initial flight or fight didn't even trigger when I walked into my room and found drawers opened clothes misplaced. Sadly, my first reaction was to make sure my computer was still where I left it, and it was, but my old and most favorite cannon camera wasn't. That's when I felt like I had been intruded by Goldie Locks-That Bitch.


I couldn't wear my expression of fear in front of the kids because I didn't want them to feel scarred. I had checked the other rooms and closet's to make sure nobody was hiding. For some reason it just seemed logical to do that instead of staying in a house with an unknown Leprechaun. When I saw my dad's room torn from wall-to-wall, I knew I had to call and tell him "Dad, we've been robbed."


Before calling I thought-okay, how can I tell my dad, without making it seem dramatic as possible. When I said we've been robbed over the phone, the kids eyes' widened like an Indian on Opiates. After I got off the phone with my dad, the youngest boy of 4 years-old looks at me dead serious in the eye and says, "Candace, there's no such thing as burglars. It was a leprechaun."

What now?

A fresh out of college graduate-what now? A girl who has a guy and doesn't have any complaints about him-what do I do now? These have been my past reoccurring thoughts the past couple weeks. I just passed a mini milestone in my life. Something I've been working up for since I've been in pre-school is now a chapter in my life that's over. Graduated college, what the heck am I supposed to do now? I feel bit lost, sad, scarred if anything, and bit of relief that I actually graduated. But the constant question I get and remains in the back of my head is- What's next? My go-to answer is something on the lines of, "We'll I'm gonna take some time to enjoy my summer, and hopefully I'll find my niche in the entertainment market." All being true, but in all honestly where's my motivation at?

Now the boy part. Finally, I feel as though I've met someone who I can be myself around, has good style, is easy-going, down to earth, easy to talk to, has a lot in common with myself, my friends absolutely approve of, and more. All being positive things-but it brings me right back to the part where I have inner conflicts with myself. The scared of being hurt and getting attached part. There's nothing better than the honeymoon part of relationships where every thing's new, you haven't fought, and quite frankly I think I'm just so used to a toxic relationship sometimes I think how is it possible for me to get what I want? Or now that I feel like I have it all-What now?

Till Next Coachella

Coachella was a success! I love how I've camped my 1st year, stayed in a house last year, and most recently camped. They def. both have their positive's and negatives. But all in all it was probably my favorite of the 3 years because it was so well rounded and I met up with a lot of friends. The music didn't blow me away, but I can't wait till next year!! <3

 

Listening

I was supposed to go out with a girlfriend in Costa Mesa tonight because it's spring break, but she ended up wanting to go to some country bar that's 18 and over, and 1. That's not my scene 2. I ran out of energy somewhere between the gym and grocery shopping 3. I'm broke 4. I hate country 5. I can't stop starring at my walls and closet thinking about my current life.

My Dad's watching TV with one of his girlfriends, key word: ONE. There's a whole other story right there. Anyways, I've been kinda waiting for them to hurry up patiently so I can watch TV because I don't feel like watching TV in my room which only has a DVD player that works. So I've been sitting here in my room thinking, "wow, i need a new bed spread." Starring at my phone kinda bummed this guy hasn't texted me all day. Sitting dumbfounded, lost, depressed, psycho, nope, def. just overwhelmed with life. Then occasionally I'll hear nameless #3 talk about American Idol and her opinions on the contestants and can already see my Dad's facial expression and wondering what he's thinking about to tune her out.

I got sick of my thoughts and decided to blow dry my hair just so I had some noise to focus on. I would of opened my dinosaur computer sooner, but I really didn't think they would be on the TV this long. Anyways I'm done babbling about absolute nothing. Hope my weird mood leaves soon.  Nope, I hope they leave the TV facility so I can get out of this weird mood! ...Just heard another Coors light can open..

Swallows

Brown Bodies

Its after 9 p.m. on a Tuesday evening and I decided to get a little tan. You know a self confidence boost for the upcoming weekend. Since I didn't workout today-"if you can't tone it, tan it." It was so crowded with men in there waiting, I sat in my car and debated going in. Then I saw this girl I had a class with 4 or more years ago at junior college and I wanted to avoid awkward conversation or awkward eye conversation for that matter...so I drove around and came back to the tanning salon.

The tanning bed is such a weird place for me and probably many others. No matter what-I find myself in that stage of half asleep and half awake. It's where I can control what I'm thinking about, but at the same time drift away so far into my brains thoughts that I wake up confused. It's one of my favorite places to be. Something about being completely and utterly relaxed where I don't have to try and think or not think.

One of my other girlfriends has this, well let's say habit-every time she goes into a tanning booth she has to masturbate. It's probably not that weird, but I'll stick to sanitary places and to drift away in my head until i hear the beep.. beep..beep...wake up Candace.

Her Hair

I WANT it.

Pressure

Starting to feel the pressure of being an adult. Of passing my classes this semester and graduating to receive my BA diploma. It's like now what?-I feel as if I've been working my whole life towards this. I'm starting to plan my graduation party and just keep thinking "then what?" Everyone at my graduation party is gonna be asking me-So...what do you want to do/ What are you gonna do? Pretty sure I'm gonna do what I've always wanted to do and just travel the world. I have to, I want to, It's actually the only thing I want to do-Perfect, I've found my answer from my own jotted down thoughts. Pressure to graduate, Pressure to figure out what I'm gonna make and do In this life time. The choice is mine and I feel as if I have the world at my finger tips. I'm grateful, ecstatic, scared, excited, nervous, but just because I won't be in school doesn't mean I want to ever stop learning.

Moved

It's been a full week since I've been moved in with my Dad and Brother. So far so good. My only "complaint" is that occasionally it smells like a bong factory, but oh well! This is my 3rd time moving and I've come to realize that the process of moving emotionally eats me up a little. It was sad for me to move out of my grandparents house knowing that they aren't gonna be on this earth forever and how much love I have for both of them. My grandmas TV antics are one of the most bizarre things would be an understatement to any psychologist, but oh well we all have our habits. My grandpa at his ripe old age who still keeps the house and yard up every single day and has maybe complained about something in life once or twice. Then there's the physical hardship of moving like packing my cluster fuck of a room. I did get rid of 4 trash bags of clothes! Go me! me and my obsession with possessions is so weird. Then there's the part where you find old pictures stuffed deep in your drawrs because they were memories I wanted to shove far away from sight. But like anything and everything you must be faced with the feelings or memories and are forced to either throw away the pictures or put them in a box that won't be looked at for years. Of course there's the positive part of moving because it's like a clean start in a way! My new organized closet, new pictures on my wall, a new scent of laundry, and a new bigger and better shower! The only constant is change, and I'm thankful I have the comfort at my new house.

Coachella 2011

 

     OK, bought my girlfriend and I our 3 day pass as well as camping pass! And thank goodness for that, I guess they already sold out and are selling on eBay for over $500 dollars when I only paid 85 bucks for mine. Cannot believe they sold out already. Cannot believe I wasn't smart enough to invest in buying an extra one in selling it. So I got smart and bought another 3 day pass when I heard that news. Hopefully I'll be making a 300% increase :). But if not I'm sure a friend will be looking for one around that time.
     My most favorite thing about Coachella, is how I constantly think about my wardrobe for the whole weekend. It's the most perfect time to go shopping for Spring fashion because right around Feb/March is when bathing suits are coming out, sandals are fresh on the racks, and I just absolutely love getting away from the winter weather wardrobe by that time.
     I'm beyond excited and it's pretty much the only big event I have that's close enough to look forward to. Two years ago I did the camping thing with the girlfriends, last year I stayed at at mansion on the golf course with a boyfriend, and this year I'm thinking I'll set home base to camping but flutter around like a carefree hippy. Get here already Coachella!

 





  

Candyass

ass.

Lost in France

Later 2010

It may be a week late, but hey, I was busy in Europe crossing things off my bucket list. Just wanted to highlight some things of my 2010 for my own personal reasons. I know that 2010 was quite wonderful, but as humans we see another year ahead to always hope for the better. If there's one word to describe my 2010, or year of being 23 years-old it's...variety.



A little bit of everything for me in 2010: Family struggles, triumph, love, disgust, travel, friends, ex-friends, whatever you call doing something you promised your morals you wouldn't do but did anyways (oh i guess that words self disappointment), distance, getting "laid-off" for the first time, realizing people don't change whether its small or big and why should we make anyone change, and just trying to be a better person. Soooo this year I....

• Went to Paris and Barcelona right before 2011 for 16 days. I will be seeing you again Europe.
• Didn't surround myself with people who are human trash in the soul.
• Had the best 4th of July yet.
• Struggled seeing a nameless person struggle with their life and feeling helpless about it.
• Saw Kaskade, Miike Snow, Sublime with Rome, Empire of the Sun, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, plus every other band that I missed or saw at Coachella.
• Did it in a limo one too many times.
• Felt out of my comfort zone and liked it.
• Hiked a total of 17 miles up and down to the half-dome in Yosemite
• Went white water rafting for the first time.
• Blew lots of bubbles
• Mind altering
• got sea sick for the first time, and simultaneously with my best friend.
• Sea world for Mothers day.
• Wild Palm Desert Girls Get away
• Turn around trip to Vegas
• The list goes on....those just came up to mind first.

Hello 2011!!!!

Train Rides and Dumpster Dives

I would like to thank my 6th grade teacher Mrs. Palucki and my 9th grade sexy ass teacher Mr. Moeller for doing a writing exercise in class that has forever changed my writing style. We were told to open our notebook grab a pen, and just throw up all over our papers with words. We weren't allowed to stop writing for 10 minutes straight. Whatever came to our mind and if nothing came to our mind we would have to write that as well as long as the writing was non-stop.

With my 24th birthday  approaching this year, I feel as if that's the only way I know how to write. It's the throw-up style. I always have so much to say on paper, but have the hardest time expressing it to others from my point of view without sounding like a complete retard. Maybe I have too many topics I wanna discuss or maybe I just don't like to finish my thoughts because when you write and don't think the truth is bound to be found somewhere. Maybe I like to keep wondering because If I figured the answers out, then what would I have to think or write about.

Who knows. Maybe I'm subconsciously terrified of being a boring person and like to complicate even my own thought process.

Bonjour!

Been awake for the past 21 hours and on the non-stop go the past...week, month, year, life...BUT I'm on my way to LAX to New York, to Paris!! "sosososossooooo esssisted." There's luggage on my floor that's telling me all of the clothing and scarfs/hats/gloves/toiletries are definitely not going to all fit in there.

My mind has been acting like a hummingbird on crack lately. Can't focus for more than .1 seconds because I feel as if there's so much to do. Why don't I just do it and pack? Because even if I did, then I would lay on my bed and go through my head what did I forget. It's just like that.

Can't friggin wait to explore this world outside of the U.S. and across the Atlantic!! I've been told numerous times to "watch for the gypsies" and that "it's extremely expensive." Guess well find out for myself! Back to this luggage dilemma. Happy Christmas and Merry New Year.

Don't Judge Me

Don't know why but I've been thinking about highschool a lot. Maybe because it's my "roots" maybe because it was a comfort zone, or maybe because I wonder where everyone else is at this point in their life. Either way, I've  been thinking..I've had some pretty amazing people shape or help me shape the person that I am today. It's weird how I don't talk to these people anymore, but how they've definately impacted my life. The asshole who was just an asshole because he's super insecure, the gorgeous girl who everyone wanted, the best guy friend who listened to the best music, the ex-boyfriend who made me realize young love is the best love, the dumb bitch who I was mean to because everyone else was, the girl who didn't give a fuck, the guy who still hasnt changed and won't thank god. Ignorance is bliss.

Hello December.

It's the first day of December and I couldn't feel more excited about what's ahead. The end of the semester is less than 3 weeks away, my Dad just bought a house (so happy and proud of him), I just got an amazing internship that I can't wait to start, and I'm going to Paris/Austria/Germany in 15 days!!!! I almost feel as though such big things are happening at the end of 2010 I'm apprehensive about something bad happening. I'm so excite for the new paths of life I'll be experiencing and so grateful for the people around me who have helped make them possible.

Sometimes

We're not supposed to always get what we want in life was told to me by my parents at a very young age. Sometimes we shouldn't get the job without going through difficulties. Sometimes like right now, it feels good to listen to depressing music and be a complete lazy ass while not getting anything productive done even though the list is growing. Sometimes it's good to get lost because you end up at your destination sooner or later and might have found a pretty road. Sometimes it's good to be in awkward situations. Last week my girlfriends and I were at a friends house and this guy who I had no romantic interest in asked if he could kiss me. I said no and things just got pretty awkward the rest of the night. Maybe i thought it was cute for a guy to ask to kiss a girl in the movies when i was 13 years-old. But I'm in my twenties and that's just not cute. Sometimes knowing that you text your girlfriends the most pointless or inappropriate text messages constantly throughout the day is comforting in a weird way. I love my girlfriends more than anything and am so grateful to have such loyal/funny/beautiful/understanding/always there for me people. I used to have more guy friends than girls growing up, but that's def. changed. Sometimes I like getting a bad haircut because it humbles me as a person. yup. totally makes me a little bit more insecure as a person and makes me wanna put a bag on my head for the next two weeks. And sometimes you just need to hear that your loved by someone that you care about. Because that's what gets you through tougher times and warms the soul. Pure honest love no matter what the circumstances are. Sometimes it's just nice to find 10 bucks in a jacket from last winter. Sometimes I like to go out of my way and talk to people for no reason, because most of the time when people talk to other people randomly it's because they want something. So apet peeve although of course I'm guilty of it sometimes. Sometimes I over analyze my decisions in life, but guess I wouldn't be the person I was if a single moment changed in the past.

Today I...

• Had a meeting to see if I would be interested in doing an entrepanuer (can't spell that) thing during the summer. Decided it def. wasn't for me, but couldn't decide if the dude who was telling me about it had a wedding ring on or it was just a ring. But wow he was gorrrgeeeeous
• Saw my cousin at  school for the first time EVER. We'll both be in Germany at the same time, hope I see her :)
• Talked to my ex boyfriend this morning, found out some devasting news about his family :(
• Failed my sociology test probably
• Added this guy on facebook and wrote him a message pretending I thought I met him last weekend, just to start conversation and cuz i liked his style. He fell for it.
• Burned 900+ calories at the gym
• Found my party and stoked tomorrow's Thursday.

Wrong Choices on purpose?

I realize when I'm making bad decisions that I'll regret later, but when am I going to realize nothing good comes from them? Do people like making "bad" decisions or give into temptaion because it's more fun than being bored. I guess that's my problem. I guess I like to choose  guys who aren't available or who I would never see a future with because it's "safe" from any emotional attachment. Because with emotional attachment comes hopes and when hopes are let down comes dissapointment. I must have a fear of rejection or just a huge wall up because oh my goodness maybe there actually is decent guys out there. This is nothing new for me, but the older I get the realize I need to man the fuck up and grow up and actually put myself out there to give these dudes a chance. Just because they have horrible fashion sense, doesn't mean they don't have goals in life. Just because he's short doesn't mean hes not funny. Just because he's shy at first doesn't mean he's a failure at life. I always manage to find something wrong with any "potential" dude. And let me tell you, it's starting to eat at me. I'm gonna be single for life if I continue this. Yikes.

11-3-10

    Talked to a counselor today at school. TWO more freaking classes till I graudate. It's so close I can taste it, but also feels sooooo far away. I need to find an internship so I have one ready when I get back from Paris and can actually enjoy my trip.
   Lil Wayne gets out of prison tonight. do you know how excited I am? It's like friggin Summer in the begenning of November. I miss my little sister so much lately. A lot to do tomorrow as usual. Goodnight.

You have a collect call from, "I Love You Candace."

ummm.

"You're a funny chick, you should write more." Ok i will. Not because you said to, but because I'm that bored and these hands are getting idle. You can only masterbate so many times in one day before you start to get bored. That and I was scared I was gonna break my vagina. I should be driving to San Diego for a girlfriends birthday, but I'm the type of person who needs to be reassured that I'm wanted in the first place. That never happend so I'm not gonna drive myself to San Diego solo.
     I've thought for probably the first time ever today about how I wish looks didnt matter. Had an amazing "connection" with this guy from London last night. But...totally short and unattractive. His parents owned Topshop and we shared our life stories. His friends were amazingly gorgeous, but...I guess I'm just shallow and can't get passed the short.
    Ok this whole not working on the weekend thing is totally confusing me. I haven't been this bored all day in forever. Could go workout but I just took a shower. No desire to get out of this horizontal position. ummmmm. brain dead. over and out.

out of my comfort-zone

It's a strange condition. Got fired or "laid off" for the first time ever. It was definatley a bitter sweet feeling. I was actually walking into work that day with a weird feeling, like I'm so happy I have this job, but I treat i've always treated it like shit because I have a hate-love relationship with it. My whole relationship with that job was always to put minimal effort into it. For some reason I liked playing with fire by calling in sick, not coming in, not making draw, and just doing what I wanted. I knew I would potentially get fired if I kept it up, but I liked the idea because then it would kick my butt into an unknown what do I do next feeling..It would put me out of my comfort zone.
    So here I am now, completly out of my comfort zone hahahaha. I keep thinking that I just have the weekend off because I requested it off since I thought I would be in Vegas, but luckily that fell through. It's just a shitty feeling knowing I don't have a full paycheck coming soon! I still have my job at the dental office, but that's such minimal hours it will pay for my gas and credit card if anything. FML.
   So now I don't really have a choice but to start looking for jobs. I went on one interview already, but it's a totally out of my "comfort" zone I know nothing about job. Working with autistic children. I mean, I love children, but honestly don't know anything about that. Luckily I'm open to the idea and the rewards and pay may be worth it. Well see...When one door slams shut, another one is bound to open. My only concern is getting my ass to Paris in December.